An Honest "NO"

Imagine those moments when you feel that you should say “yes” out of consideration or an obligation to another person, but you honestly don’t want to say that three letter word. That place mid-air from which you tenuously hang, wanting both “yes” and “no,” yet your desire for a “no” is a tad bit greater. Or when your brain tells you to say “yes” in order to maintain the social relationships that can fall out any minute, but your desire to be honest with yourself keeps on spelling out “no.”

We’ve all been unfortunately stuck in such situations to various degrees of discomfort. A friend asks you for a favor that you really don’t want to do, such as lending money. But you feel that your refusal might strain the relationship with your friend. Or, you are afraid that by not doing a small favor, you might seem like an uptight or a selfish person who doesn’t trust anybody nor is willing to do a small charity.

Whenever I find myself in such situations, I often refuse to do the favor after much unnecessary consideration or after pretending to consider the request. The answer I am going to say is inevitably “no,” but I find myself stalling because I am afraid of the guilt of not helping when I can. I also hope that by pretending to consider the request, I am showing more respect for the person and the favor he or she has asked. I disregard the fact that this pretense is hypocritical, and it is simply an effort to alleviate the stab at my conscience.

But I realize that being hesitant about saying the inevitable “no” is less honest and greatly less respectful than a straightforward refusal to do a favor. Thinking about the answer with an unwilling grimace on your face or fumbling around with a haphazard excuse will not cover up your plan to refuse what you have been asked to do. That excuse or grimace already gives away your answer, which means that your hesitancy only becomes a calculative behavior of trying to relieve yourself of your guilt or maintain your good image. If I were the other person waiting for an answer, I would want a straightforward “no,” instead of a reluctant “yes,” and definitely not a pretense of consideration for my feelings.

Do I sound cynical for thinking that every hesitancy or consideration is just an effort to cover up the guilt of refusing someone’s request? If a decision has been made from a gut feeling, it is difficult to change. When you follow your gut feelings or desires, the decision is made within a second of hearing a request. If the answer is already chosen and there is no way to change it without forcing yourself, why pretend to think about it? Verbal honesty, however cold it might be, seems to be the best act of respect for someone who wants an honest and mature answer, not a sideshow of fake feelings.