The Virginity Stigma

According to condom manufacturer Durex, the average age to lose your virginity is 17.3 years. It seemed to be lower at my high school, but there is usually a misconception when it comes to sex in high schools, as in more kids talk about doing it than actually doing it. Regardless, I remember sitting in 9th grade Language Arts and listening to two 14-year-old girls next to me talk about how they kept trying to have sex, but that pesky time of the month would constantly get in the way. I remember thinking "I am probably not going to be doing the deed for a lonnnng time" and I couldn't have been more right.

I am currently a 22-year-old virgin and although I am writing about it right now in a public blog, I'm not the type of person who goes around talking loudly at a party about how I've never had sex or advocating abstinence. My family and close friends know about my lack of action in the bedroom, but that's as far as the personal information sharing of my sex life has gone, until well, right about now.

What inspired me to write this blog is I had a really hard time finding real-life accounts of other "older virgins"; stories that I and others could relate to. You know what I found when I googled "22-year-old virgin?" Questions upon questions of fellow 22-year-old virgins who asked things like "is it normal to wait this long?", "Am I odd?" and then, Brook Shields, who apparently lost her virginity at 22.

If sex, or specifically lack thereof, wasn't such a taboo issue, the people who do still have their virginities intact could easily and more openly talk about it. Heck, I'd sign up for a Virgins Anonymous meeting. Since all of my friends have long since done the deed, popped the cherry, sealed the deal, it would be fun to hear other people's virgin stories.

The acceptance of sex in our culture over the last few decades has really come a long way. Sex is far less of a taboo issue than it was in our parents' generation, and it seems like, depending on your age, not having sex is more taboo than having it. When a person is in a relationship, or just sexually active, it's common for some sex stories to come up in casual conversation, especially if something funny or out of the ordinary occurred; but when you're not having sex, it's something you just don't talk about because it simply doesn't seem worth mentioning. When I leave a party, I don't yell "guess who's NOT getting laid tonight?!" Although that could be pretty amusing and I'd either get a few laughs or weird looks.

So why haven't I had sex? That's a complicated question that yields many answers. There are some virgins who just don't find sex all that appealing and that is why they have stayed virgins for twenty, thirty, fifty years, but I wouldn't put myself in that category. For me it's more of not yet finding "that guy," who doesn't necessarily have to be "the guy" or "the one," but the person I'd feel comfortable enough being intimate with. I do think the fact that I have never been in a relationship has made it easier to keep my virginity because I would ideally like to have sex for the first time when in a committed relationship.

Maybe even the fact that I have never been in a relationship at 22-years old is actually more profound than never having sex. The story behind that would probably start in middle school, where I was relentlessly bullied and had no friends, then make its way to high school where my entire experience could best be described as apathetic (nothing particularly significant happened to me in high school). Then I went off to college and although I had a few close encounters, no boyfriends. And that my friends, is the summary of my love life thus far, although I should throw in that I have been kissed. There's not really much more to add to that statement. The times that I had been kissed were either brief moments of passion, or that one random, spontaneous night at my parents' cabin. Either way nothing came of those instances, but they were life experiences all the same.

The weird thing about being a 22-year old virgin is that there really shouldn't be anything "weird" about the mere coincidence that I am a 22-year-old virgin. It seems like society (the mass media as well as individuals in general) place so much pressure on people having sex that they're forgetting that every single person is different. People develop sexually at different times and they also have varying beliefs and personal preferences. Maybe I won't lose my virginity until I'm 27. Hopefully that isn't the case, but if that inevitably happens, so be it. As long as I'm enjoying life and having fun, the fact that I haven't had sex yet is irrelevant.

I truly believe most everything happens for a reason. Even things that seem insignificant may actually end up invoking huge change in one's life, so never underestimate something seemingly small. Maybe there's a reason I'm a virgin, or maybe it has no meaning whatsoever, I may never know and it might not even matter. Ultimately a person's virginity does not define that person. Just because you lose your virginity at 14 doesn't make you a slut and still having your virginity at 39 doesn't mean you're a shoo-in for the next crazy cat lady.

Life is filled with surprising moments, and quite possibly the most surprising moment of my life will be realizing that having my virginity until I'm 22, 32, 72, whatever the age may be, actually helped me become the person I am and was more of a blessing than a social stigma.