Gay Teen Bullying: An Interview

Recently, there’s been quite a few stories in the media about gay youths taking their own lives after experiencing harassment from peers – 18-year old Tyler Clementi, 13-year-old Seth Walsh, Eighth-grader Asher Brown, and 15-year-old Billy Lucas. As a person with a gay sibling, I found each of these stories especially gut-wrenching. Instead of writing about the events, I thought it might be more appropriate to let my brother speak for himself about these issues and his own experience with growing up gay. I think he makes an especially good interview, since he has been active in the LGBT community in his school, online, and also just received a Masters in Gender Studies. He is also transgender, meaning he was born a female and later, in college, transitioned to male, perhaps another conversation for another time - but simply put, he's had a wide spectum of experience and has extensive knowledge of various forms of prejudice and their manifestations. This, however, is about his experience coming to terms with being a gay female in a relatively small town catholic school:
 
Q: Was it shocking to you at all that there has been a rush in this type of behavior recently - when being gay has become a somewhat mainstream sexual identity?
A: Well, first I don't think that there has been an actual upswing in gay teen suicides - I think that the media just happened to catch wind of a couple of them, or maybe even just one, and it became something to sensationalize, which they love. Gay teen suicides are actually still a pretty common thing - much higher than any other group. However, it's important to point out that the teens that are being focused on are all white, and that the suicides of queer teens of color are often ignored. Also, even though people are certainly becoming more accepting of gay kids, it's obvious from this that there is still a lot of bullying going on out there. And I hear stories from teenagers in online forums all the time about the awful things that their peers do to them. Bullying is still quite prevalent.
 
Q: You chose to come out in high school, what was the most difficult part of this process? Did you (or any of your friends) experience any bullying or changes in the way people treated you after you came out?
A: Well, to be fair, I was only out to a few people. My family, my close friends - I wasn't brave enough to be out to everyone, and certainly the fact that I went to a Catholic high school had a lot to do with that. Being told that you couldn't participate in the Day of Silence because it's against the Church doesn't exactly breed confidence in a 16-year old. I do wish that I had been braver at the time, but it's in the past now.
 
Q: Even if it wasn't bullying per se, were there things that made you feel nervous or awkward in high school? Things you think that could be alleviated by institutional changes or rules?
A: Although I didn't get teased a whole lot, what little I did mostly came from boys, and it was much more about my gender presentation, because I had short hair and dressed a little boyish. I know that there were rumors about my sexuality, but no one ever confronted me about them. Mostly I just got the strong sense that if I were to come out, I would lose a lot of relationships, perhaps particularly with the teachers at the school. People were very religious, obviously, and since the campus minister told one of my friends who was out that he was going to hell, I kind of assumed that that would be the general response. That may not have been correct, but that's how it seemed.
 
Q: What steps do you think institutions could, or should take to help stem adolescent intolerance toward students of non-heterosexual identity? On a similar vein, what are the main institutional problems that perpetuate this type of behavior?
A: I think at my school in-particular that sensitivity training for the faculty could go a long way. The teachers HAVE to set the example because they are the ultimate authority for the students at that time in their lives. The fact that the bullying is ignored by faculty and administration, or sometimes even blamed on the victims for acting "too gay" isn't just absurd, it should be criminal. I've heard people say "Oh, the bullies of those kids who committed suicide couldn't have known what would happen." I say that's BS. Bullying is about hurting someone - you obviously want that person to feel like crap about themself, and suicide is just an extreme consequence of that. Making bullying totally unacceptable - no matter what it's about - would be huge, because it would at least make kids feel like they have SOME allies, in the form of the administration. Also, actually talking to students about different sexualities, gender presentations, etc would be fantastic. But of course even in the public school system a lot of parents would have a fit about that. Can't have our kids being indoctrinated, you know. Or being tolerant of others.
 
Q: One of the biggest concerns in cases like these, the suicides, is that the teens were living in areas where there weren't many visible gays or lgbt support networks around which caused feelings of isolation, did you feel outcast or isolated, before or after you were out?
A: I remember fighting against it in my mind, and thinking, "why me?" I mean, one of the most common things for us to say when I was a teenager was "that's gay." At the same time I was really lucky, because my best friend was gay as well, and kind of, well, pushed me out of the closet. He kept insisting I was gay until I finally was able to admit it, which sounds awful, but it was actually really good. It's like it made it something good, rather than horrifying. He wanted me to be gay. Some people have been saying that it's unfair to point at rural areas as the main problem or source of homophobia, like that's an unfair characterization. I can't speak to what it's like to grow up in a big city, but I do know what it's like to grow up in a small(er) town, and even with my gay best friend, it was lonely. I felt like a weirdo, and it took a long time to get over that once I moved to an area with a large lgbt population. That said, moving isn't desirable or an option for all people, so it's important to make education and awareness a part of the curriculum everywhere, and not just tell teenagers they can get the hell outta dodge when the graduate, because they might not be able to.
 
Q: Were there any support groups you reached out to for support or guidance during this time? Any you would suggest to teens struggling with their sexual identity or bullying?
A: I found most of my support online, as I think most kids do now, particularly in smaller areas. I don't know that I could suggest a particular place or site at this point, but I would suggest just getting online and talking to people. There are lots of other gay kids out there on the internet, lots of information about our history, movies and books and magazines you can get. In addition, there's also a great organization called The Trevor Project specifically designed to help gay teens who are considering suicide. What was important/instrumental in making you feel comfortable with your identity both during high school and over the years? I didn't feel comfortable in high school. Being gay always felt like something I had to hide, and I think that hiding affects you for the rest of your life. Moving away, finding lgbt friends, and honestly just becoming an adult helped me to feel better. I think high school is kind of awful for most people (and those who enjoy it generally don't fare that well later in life), and graduating - or even dropping out if that's what it takes to stay sane - and being in charge of your own life just inevitably breeds self-confidence. Even now, though, going back home and seeing people from high school makes me feel kinda sick. It could just be in my own mind, but I just have this intense feeling that people don't want me to be who I am. That's why I do believe in the toxicity of small towns for queer people. Maybe that's just a personal bias, but after seeing friends called "faggot" out at bars, there's just no real appeal to those places for me.
 
Q: Finally, what would you want heterosexual teens and college students to know as they come to encounter and interact with their first gay peers?
A: I mean, I would just want them to use common sense and show basic respect to gay kids. And to not say things like "that's gay" or call people fags, or say "no homo". It doesn't matter how much you justify it by saying that you don't mean it "that way", it's offensive. Oh, and don't treat gay men like fashion accessories. Not all of them like shopping and clothes, and they certainly don't want to be your pet. Mostly just listen to them, and make them feel comfortable about being who they are, just like you'd want to be.