Loving by Listening

Recently, I've been overhearing a co-worker's lament over his girlfriend's television choices. He doesn't mind so much what she chooses to watch, but that she gets upset when he leaves the room or works on his laptop during the show. She desperately wants to share her interest with him, and his apathy is frustrating. He doesn't see a point in sharing an experience that he finds completely boring. Hearing his frequent complaints got me thinking about how my husband and I have dealt with differing interests over the years.

When my husband and I first met, one of the reasons we got along so well was that we had so many things in common. We were both in marching band, we had both been learning music since a young age, we were both the shy and quiet type, and we were both total nerds. We spent many of our first "dates" in each others dorm rooms, playing video games and watching Japanese cartoons together. People could instantly see why we got along so well---they said it was because we were the same person.

As our relationship evolved, however, we found that we didn't share all of the same interests. He loved World of Warcraft, but I just didn't see the appeal. I loved intriguing news stories and blog articles, but my re-telling of these bored him to tears. He was fascinated by all things math and computer programming, but his explanations of amazing theories flew right over my head. I enjoyed historical romance movies, but he found them too slow to sit through.

Having our own differences was perfectly fine, it was when we tried to communicate about these subjects that things started to fall apart. When he would try to talk to me about something I found boring, I would either tune out, or start to get frustrated. "I don't care!" I would think this to myself over and over as he tried to explain the intricacies of a fight between a Warrior and a Rouge. The problem went both ways, as he would give only minimal affirmation that he had even heard me describe a riveting news article I had read online. We both became really frustrated with the other's lack of response. It felt like an insult, that the person closest to us could be so bored by something we found so interesting. Even worse was the feeling that they couldn't even make an effort to pretend to be interested!

This problem was a big contributing factor to the very rockiest part of our now 5-year relationship. We began to have such disregard for each other's feelings that we started to tune out even more. I would try to talk about my hopes and dreams for the future, he would have no response. He would try to express a problem he was having, I had no advice. We both felt bitter, angry, and worst of all, unloved.

I feel like we've grown so much over the years since we hit that communication rock-bottom and realized what was happening. We've learned that listening to each other, no matter the subject, is a way to express our love for each other. It's still not easy to stay focused when he's enthusiastically explaining a complicated concept, and I'll never really be interested on the level that he is, but I do my best to stay focused, catch myself when I'm starting to tune out, and look for points in the conversation when I can provide feedback.

We've also learned to communicate these topics to each other in a more accessible way. If I want him to listen to me describe that Jane Austen movie, it's best for me to just tell a brief summary of my favorite parts, in the most amusing way I can. He has gotten in the habit of stopping himself and regrouping when he goes off onto too long of a lecture about his programming at work.

Besides strengthening our relationship, our newfound communication skills have helped us discover new interests that we both can share. If I had ignored my husband every time he talked about soccer, I wouldn't be enjoying the excitement of World Cup for the first time this year. And I've been pleasantly surprised to find my him joining me in front of the TV now and then during So You Think You Can Dance.

So next time your friend, family member, or significant other starts to bore you with something they're passionate about, before you tune out, think about what your attentiveness means to them. Making an effort to listen isn't just courteous, it's a way to express how much you value your relationship. And you might just find something new to enjoy together!